Snuggled in with a warm blanket on my couch and tea at my side, I’d like to start by saying that I don’t know what to say.
I could boast about the many successes I’ve had during these past years like a ‘show and tell’, but that’s not why I write these words tonight.
WOW! Its been 5 years since I had that life-changing surgery. I am back to being the same I was inside, just a bit stronger. Having the education, lengthy work experience, being a patient and still recovering- it’s safe to say this gal could share a thing or two about quality of life and quality of care. This brain, these eyes and this heart can tell you a lot. I sure wish I had a magic wand to fix what I’ve seen, heard and felt in this world.
Riding this rollercoaster of recovery has been incredible, to say the least.
Impossible to believe. “an almost incredible tale of triumph and tragedy“
(Thank you google…)
Triumph in deed…
I still remember that feeling of standing in front of hundreds of people as the Keynote to the Ontario Conference for Activity Professionals- speaking to my fellow AP’s with my college Professor looking on. Too bad the phrase ‘words can’t describe’ have been overused, because that is the first thought I had to tell you, but it’s true. It was a surge of energy, frantic fear yet electric excitement folded together. Feeling like you could burst with excitement with everything you want to say and hundreds of eyes on you. Well, I guess words can describe after all 😉
I know you don’t understand what I’ve been through- and that’s ok!! I don’t want you to! Just got a flash back a couple of years ago. I was so upset, so fed up with living and suffering- I fell to my knees just sobbing. Things have gotten a LOT better from then. Now, the distance between the dark times have drastically dwindled. Every so often though, there’s that pause when something out of the ordinary goes on within my body. For example, my recent change in eye sight- now requiring glasses occasionally! I think to myself,
Is it medication side effects? Permanent reaction from radiation? Are the tumours growing back? What is that pain? Why didn’t they…? Where else can I ….
Remember ‘confused punishment’ I talked about in Day By Day? (Confused Punishment= an adverse reaction of shaming or added issues because of an uncontrollable tragic situation ex. brain tumour). It’s STILL HAPPENING! Let me tell you a story that recently happened: although I lick my lips smugly, craving to tell you the details, my integrity permits me not to name names. Recently called to re-book an appointment with a doctor, as recently missed the appointment (because I forgot to remember not to forget to write it in my calendar… yes, you read that right!). The receptionist looked me up in the system, and like a light switch instantly gave me major attitude, and quickly matter-of-factly reminded me I changed doctors and missed 3 appointments in the past 3 years. She was shaming me over the phone, assuming I was just a careless princess. I kept my composure, “Excuse me, did I offend you somehow?!” Yet she wouldn’t admit her assumption over the phone. What did I do then, you ask? Calmly ended the conversation with my new appointment booked. Furious… not a minute was spared when darted straight to that office to talk to her 1:1. She assumed I was being careless- not knowing the first doctor I had made me cry, and aside from the 1 appointment missed, the other ones I couldn’t get a ride last minute. You should have seen the look of embarrassment on her face. Needless to say, I put her in her place.
*exhale* Confused Punishment. still. happens. all. the. time.
In regards to health concerns; there’s a chance the radiation doesn’t work and the tumours grow back. Theres also a chance this type of tumour (hemangioblastoma) will become an aggressive cancer and nix me quickly. There’s also a chance radiation was successful and need to get into complementary natural medicine to prevent anything else from happening (know anyone?)…. How much longer do I have? days, months, or years? SNAP OUT OF IT. You just gotta keep living life, right? What else am I supposed to to? Enjoy while I’m here.
I refuse to live the rest of my life on the edge of my seat worrying about results of the next MRI.
I am Living it up! Loving life! and Laughing a lot! I surround myself with positive, wonderful people and never forget to ‘play’, because you’re never too old to have fun. I’m living in a wonderful tangled mesh of my passions: Personal and professional growth of Toastmasters and Nurse Next Door, getting stronger and more independent with use of my 3 wheeler bike and having fun painting with Bob Ross on Netflix… red wine and cherry cheesecake are added bonuses! I am enjoying my life and thankful for every day, and taking things day by day.